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Time:05:40 pm


"Anything for me?"

"No, nothing right now, Mr. Herman."

Waiting ... waiting ... waiting.
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Time:04:57 pm
Current Mood:gloomygloomy
So Thursday is the doctors' estimated due date. Next Saturday is our estimated due date. Because I'm, at the minimum, 38 weeks and 4 days at this point, he's more than full term and could come at any time on his own. I'm on maternity leave right now, which gives me plenty of time to obsess over this little fact.

Things would be just perfect if I went into labor today or tomorrow -- I could have the birth I planned with no more pressure from anyone about what is best for me and Kieran. I hope that, however the birth turns out, I don't feel guilt or disappointment about the choices I made. It's confusing to be in this situation, balancing one of the most important experiences of my life with advice from many different angles telling me what's the safest. When I have him in my arms, I want to focus on the fact that I have a new baby, someone who is depending on me for his survival, not deal with any more what ifs.

Natural birth is best. Induction is a dreaded second choice. C-section is what I fear the most.

Come on baby, let's be born already!!

Before the mean ol' doctors think you're too big and insist on a c-section. Do you really want to come out of a hole in my stomach, all drugged and not able to breastfeed? Get a move on!

Let's freakin' GO!!

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Subject:This may be the week!
Time:03:52 pm
At my appointment today, the doctor asked if we want to schedule an induction tomorrow. The amniotic fluid has gone down but baby is growing very, very fast. The radiologist thought I could have gestational diabetes, a condition that goes away at birth, and leads to increased amniotic fluid and excess baby weight gain. This is much better news than what we heard before, that the baby could have a blockage or swallowing problem that would require surgery at birth.

We decided to wait until Thursday's appointment to make another decision about induction. Maybe we can just put this off until he gets here on his own. I keep reading stories about induced births and not only do they seem way less satisfying than a natural birth would be, but they are so overly complicated. They just give you drug upon drug, trying to balance out the effect of other drugs, and then it sometimes ends in C-sections anyway. Once they give you Pitocin, you can't move around much either; you're glued to the bed with an IV and fetal monitors.

It is rather strange though, thinking that I could just choose for Kieran to be born tomorrow. What a sudden end to this ninth month ordeal.

My house needs cleaning before he gets here. Mandy, you should come get your cake!! It's delicious, but Kieran and I don't need more sugar.

BTW - baby shower thank yous will be sent with a picture of Kieran, since the shower is so close to his birthday. I thought that would be cool... no, we haven't forgotten our manners. :)
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Subject:in-womb images
Time:12:02 am
Ultrasounds from April to the present day:

http://home.insightbb.com/~jamie.miller/

This website will also be the repository for all things family-related (for the time being).
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Time:12:05 pm
Whenever I've told my doctor about the pain I have in my pelvic area, they just look at me and say, "Take Tylenol." If I took Tylenol for every ache I've had in that area, I would be drugged up all day. I don't hear about my other pregnant or formerly pregnant friends having this issue, so I thought I had a weird pregnancy. I just found information about a condition that sounds EXACTLY like what I have. It's not a pregnancy complication, it's just the reason this pain has been happening to me. No wonder why it sounds so ridiculous to me when the doctor has told me that I need to get out and walk. I'm not the only one who HURTS when walking while pregnant!! Why didn't anyone tell me this condition exists?

Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction (SPD)
http://www.ivillage.co.uk/pregnancyandbaby/pregnancy/complicatepreg/articles/0,,15_187741,00.html

Symptoms I've had:

-- Pain while turning in bed (#1 problem!)
-- Discomfort and sometimes pain when walking
-- Aches in my thighs and hips when sitting for long periods
-- Pain when getting dressed
-- Pain when getting out of the car
-- Discomfort and sometimes pain when stair climbing
-- General groin achiness

So I'm not crazy.
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Time:10:10 am
This morning Liz said her back hurt, so she laid face down on the floor and I walked on her back.

Didn't work out too well.
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Time:03:07 pm
I think I lost part of my mucous plug this morning. It was just a little bit of mucous, but it was unlike anything that had passed through my system before, so I'm hoping this is it.

I'm getting very anxious about the amniotic fluid complication. I spoke with the Bradley birth instructor last night about what I should do, and she said if complications come up, there's no shame in taking the medicated route. That actually made me calm down a little bit. I've long convinced myself that giving birth naturally is the only way to go and I feel incredibly guilty for considering otherwise, even in the face of complications. I'm hoping that since my plug may be coming out on its own, I'm looking at going into labor within a week, which may spare me the decision of whether or not I should do as the doctor says and be induced (or worse - c-section).

The problem with NOT inducing is that my amniotic fluid is so full, it could prematurely dislodge the placenta before my baby's born. Also, it could cause umbilical cord prolapse. Not being in the hospital at the time when my water breaks is risky with this condition.

And I'm worried to death that the excess amniotic fluid is a sign that something is wrong with Kieran. In some cases, it's a sign that he can't swallow properly (he's supposed to be swallowing the fluid). It could be a sign of neurological disorders as well. In other cases, it's just that the mother produces too much fluid for no reason whatsoever.

My next appointment is Thursday, where they'll do yet another ultrasound and again consider whether or not I should be induced or have a c-section. Last week's appointment went terribly; I didn't like the doctor who examined me at all. Not only was her examination of my cervix extremely painful (she didn't bother to be gentle, it seemed), she was also flippant about my natural childbirth wishes. Furthermore, she refused to write a note for me to begin maternity leave on Oct. 11 like I want, saying that's how people "defraud disability insurance." I was very offended that she was suggesting that Jamie and I were trying to do that... I'm not even getting disability insurance, I'm just taking unpaid maternity leave (after my sick days run out, anyway). Anyway, she said she would consider it next week, but thankfully I won't be seeing that doctor next week.

The ultrasound we had on Wednesday was amazing; it was a 3D one, so we got a clear shot of Kieran's face. He has some majorly chubby cheeks! I can't wait to see what he really looks like.
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Time:07:20 pm
Went in for an ultrasound. I have excess amniotic fluid, a condition called polyhydraminos. They said they want me to deliver within 1-2 weeks. I may have to have a c-section. I'm depressed.

Some info about this condition:

http://www.babycenter.com/refcap/pregnancy/pregcomplications/1200199.html#2
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Time:05:22 pm
Pelvic pain has been terrible today. Jamie says Kieran's just knocking at the door, demanding to be let out. I wish he'd knock a little softer. The only time I'm not experiencing pain or discomfort is when I'm submerged in water or rocking on my hands and knees.

At the last appointment, they said he's measuring so large that they may "have" to induce or do a c-section. Of course, friends and natural childbirth books say that doctors are very quick to suggest both and they should be resisted - "unless medically necessary." How am I supposed to determine that on my own? I've heard from Mandy and others that my body is unlikely to make a baby that won't fit out of my pelvis, but what if it has? I don't like having to advocate for myself when I don't really know what I'm talking about. What's really best for Kieran? I have no idea.

My plan right now is to resist discussion of c-section and induction for as long as possible, and make other decisions as they pop up. I have an ultrasound on Wednesday to determine his size, but even the doctor admitted that ultrasounds this late could be off by as much as 20%. If Kieran is really large, they may want to go ahead and schedule something. It's too early. They still think his due date is October 14 based on the first ultrasound, when I know it's October 23 based on my date of conception (Jan. 27) and last menstrual period (Jan. 16. Why don't they believe that I really remember the date?).
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Time:08:46 am
Yet another reason to despise Wal-Mart. Look at how this Ohio store treated breastfeeding mothers:

http://abcnews.go.com/sections/living/HealthyWoman/healthywoman_54.html

As far as I've heard, we have no state law in Kentucky specifically protecting breastfeeding moms. The more I read about this issue, the angrier I get. I totally dare someone to fuck with me when I'm feeding my son.
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[icon] the story of Kieran Jonas Miller
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